It’s Friday, Friday…

Ladies and gentlemen, the future of the music industry.

I introduce you to Miss Rebecca Black… the latest teeny-bopper-gone-viral. This is her “hit” video “Friday.” I encourage you to watch this video in its entirety before continuing with this post.

Wow… [stands up, begins slow clap]. The music big-wigs have done it again. Talk about striking gold. Too bad this gold should be categorized under “comedy albums” in what little FYE stores are left.

Ho-ly Shit this song is bad. It’s getting a lot of play on the national circuit, and this morning… ABC’s Good Morning America called it possibly the worst song ever. Noted, and agreed. Personally, I think this is the greatest thing ever, because it’s so absurdly ridiculous, you have to assume this girl is just trying to punk the music biz. But we all know that’s not what’s happening. She’s just really, really, really bad at singing. And being in music videos. And writing lyrics. And rhyming. Ok… let’s move on.

What I’m going to do now is break down this video segment by segment. A little running diary if you will. I hope you enjoy.

0:02 — What the hell is this beat? It’s like Kidz Bop meets electronica. This should be a great song. By the way… who’s the gangsta pulling out the “yeah… uh uhuhuh uh Ark” in the background (foreshadowing… stay tuned).

0:03 — “Sunday, Study study study study ‘Another Pleasant Valley Sunday.'” Right, because your life is so difficult, having a music video and all.

0:05 — “Monday, Test Today!!! ‘Just Another Manic Monday.'” Clever.

0:07 — “Tuesday, More Homework ‘Tuesday’s gone with the wind.'” Really? By the way… what the fuck is this cartooned Rebecca Black “ooh”ing horribly in the background. We’re 7 seconds into this song and I can already tell she’s the most annoying 13-year-old in the country. Yet she has her own song.

0:09 — “Wednesday, Music Practice ‘Listen to Wednesday’s Song.'” Does she have another song called “Wednesday’s Song”? Shit, she needs to get a little more creative with song titles if so.

0:10 — “Thursday, Essay Done ‘I am Thursday’s Child.'” Wait… what? I don’t even think that makes sense. And clearly this girl is an idiot, because Thursdays are one of the best days of the week. Thirsty Thursday, first big night to go out, NBC Comedy Night Done Right. Her frowny sun emphasizes how dumb she is for not knowing all of this.

0:12 — “Friday, Horray! Yes! Finally!!! ‘It’s Friday. I’m in love.'” Just like that, really? Alright well we’re 12 seconds into this god damn song and at least she has shown is she knows all the days of the week. Except Saturday, but I can only assume she’ll get there.

0:17 – 0:21 — 4 seconds of pure lyrical gold. What a great first verse to whet our appetites for the rest of your song. I’m not even going to dwell on the fact that they tried way to hard to have her hair messed up. Read these lyrics again.

“7 a.m. waking up in the morning.

Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs.”

This just proves how awesomely horrible this song is going to be. First of all, her voice is even more annoying singing than it is “ooh”ing. It’s painfully obvious she can not sing. I can’t sing either, but I wouldn’t go making a music video trying to sound like I can.

And the lyrics. “Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs”? Hahaha, you’re fucking kidding me right? Alright, let’s move on to the rest of the first verse, because trust me it gets better [worse].

0:21 – 0:34 — Back to the lyrics, please.

“Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal.

Seeing everything the time is going.

Ticking on and on, everybody’s rushing.

Gotta get down to the bus stop.

Gotta catch my bus… I see my friends.”

[Jaw drops. Reality sets in.] This is actually a song. Somebody really put effort (probably not very much) into this. “Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal.” Stop it. I have to admit, though, the “the time is going, ticking on and on” is actually the first remotely catchy part of the song. Somebody please punch me in the throat for saying that.

Then we get to “Gotta get down to the bus stop. Gotta catch my bus.” I was really hoping she was going to say she was going to the bus stop to whore it up. What the hell else do you do at a bus stop? This is where I think the song really gets interesting. The segue to seeing her friends.

0:34 – 0:44 — Lyrics please.

“Kicking in the front seat.

Sitting in the back seat.

Gotta make my mind up…

Which seat can I take?”

Worst. Bridge. Ever. First of all, the driver looks like he’s 12 1/2 years old. They all look like they’re sub-15, but damn. Besides, would a kid that young be driving a car like that? Hell no. And even if he was, his parents wouldn’t let him have 5 friends in the car. And there isn’t much you have to make your mind up about. There’s literally one place you can sit, the back seat. Shut the fuck up and get in the car. So much for catching your bus. I’m sure your parents will be thrilled about that.f

By the way… hearing her hold out that “take”. Worse sounds have never been heard.

0:44 – 1:02 — The chorus

“It’s Friday, Friday.

Gotta get down on Friday.

Everyone’s looking forward to the weekend, weekend.

Friday, Friday.

Getting down on Friday.

Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend.”

I take it back, worse sounds have been heard. Hearing Rebecca Black sing “Friday, Friday” with a flat, nasally, horribly annoying voice is just god awful. I think you can decide on your own how horrible that chorus is, too. But just wait…

1:02 – 1:10

“Partyin’, partyin’ (yeah!)

Partyin’, partyin’ (yeah!)

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Looking forward to the weekend.”

Are you kidding me? Honestly, though… is this real. I still question the validity of this song. It’s so bad it doesn’t feel right. I feel like I could have just posted the video and the lyrics, and the jokes would have brought themselves out. Unfortunately, it gets better.

1:11 – 1:37 — I didn’t want to even take time on this next 26 seconds, but the lyrics are just so bad, I need to make a comment about them.

“7:45 we’re driving on the highway.

Cruising so fast, I want time to fly

Fun, fun, think about fun

You know what it is

I got this, you got this

My friend is by my right, ayyy

I got this, you got this

Now you know it.”

“Fun, fun, think about fun. You know what it is”. That is an actual lyric in this song. But not to be outdone, “My friend is by my right, ayyy” comes in right after that stealing its thunder. Two equally horrible lines right after each other.

By the way… if you’re supposedly 13-year-old, or even if you’re 16, and you’re ‘driving on the highway’… why the HELL are you sitting on the back of the convertible? Absolutely no one does that outside of a parade. You are so utterly dumb it makes my mind hurt. I need some Charlie Sheen just to feel sane again.

1:27 – 2:04 — Another round of the painful bridge, leading into the horrible chorus, while Rebecca and all her friends are at this Fast and the Furious-esque party. Just more noise. Painful, annoying noise.

2:05 – 2:30 — Breakdown time. Get ready for this.

“Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday.

Today it is Friday, Friday.

We we we so excited

We so excited

We gonna have a ball today.

Tomorrow is Saturday

And Sunday comes afterwords.

I don’t want this weekend to end.”

Is this song not entirely and utterly laughable. First of all, this is the most obscene breakdown in a song ever. Thank you for stating facts. You’re going to become a millionaire. But the best part is “Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwords.”

In my opinion, which is a very humbled one at that, this line is the absolute worst lyric in the history of music. Read it back a few times. Recue that part of the song, it’s specifically 2:21 – 2:27. I dare you to tell me that’s not the worst line in any song ever. I triple dog dare you (that’s right, fuck the double dog dare). So so so so so bad.

This picture epitomizes my feelings.

Rebecca Black is a lyricist

By the way, does anyone else think this girl says “gonna” way too much?

Just when you think this song can’t get any more unreal… the rap comes in. Rap, you say? Yes… rap.

2:30 – 2:49 — Who the fuck is this guy?

“R. B. Rebecca Black

So chillin’ in the front side (in the front side).

In the back seat (in the back seat), I’m driving, cruising (yeah yeah).

Fast line, switching lanes with a car up on my side (woo)

Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me.

Makes tick tock, tick tick, wanna scream.

Check my time, it’s Friday it’s a weekend.

We gonna have fun.

C’mon c’mon, y’all.”

1) I wish I knew who this rapper was.

2) Did he lose a bet or something? That’s the only reason I can see him being in this song. His ‘rap’ is just as poorly written as the rest of the song. Also, why is a school bus passing you at night while you’re cruising? And you’re probably the kind of asshole that always runs into buses, what with you switching lanes with a car on your side, and whatnot.

Unreal.

2:49 – 3:43 — Nearly one entire minute of her singing the chorus over and over again. And no, it doesn’t sound better than before, it sounds worse. Surprisingly worse. Kind of like, “I didn’t think she could sing the same lines over and over again any worse than earlier in the song, but I was wrong. She definitely can. She’s horrible.”

Also, I get a good laugh every time I see her “singing” and “oohing” in the background to this song, trying to look like she’s a real singer. Comical. And the way she dances while she sings, and all her ‘friends’… they all look so stupid.

3:23 – 3:25 — PLEASE GO BACK AND WATCH THIS PART.

The ‘rapper’ gets groovy with “Friday” in his car while he’s cruising. I’m not black, but I highly doubt any self-respecting African American male would not be ‘cruising’ to “Friday” by Rebecca Black. Ever. I will defer to my colleague Thundaa on this one. Buddy, please comment below and tell me if I’m wrong.

Also, the way he dances is just silly.

Well, if you’ve gotten this far in the past, I thank you. Thanks for putting up with this song for so long. It’s really bad, but it’s one of those things you HAVE to watch… kind of like R. Kelly’s “Trapped In The Closet” series.

By the way, Rebecca Black’s video has 16,882,848 views as of this point in the post. Unreal. And it’s on iTunes. If she is the sign of things to come for the music industry, this country is doomed. I so hope this is a joke. Justin Bieber is annoying as hell, but at least he has talent. He became famous from youtube videos of him actually being talented… and then the sexy beast that is Usher made him more famous. Rebecca Black, not so much.

If you’re looking for something fun to do, click around on all the review/parody videos for “Friday.” It’s totally worth it. Some of my favorites can be found here, here and here.

Happy Friday, Friday ya’ll. Hope you’ll spend this weekend partyin’ partyin’

– Attackin’

~ by thedaily3 on March 18, 2011.